Here's one thing you get, if you follow the instructions and google "sheriff's universal cheerleaders":

http://www.thenortherner.com/sports/2009/02/03/sheriff-finds-success-in-cheerleading/

This reminds me of an old Yiddish joke.  Yankel is out strolling and notices that Mendel the mohel has hung a large wooden sign over his storefront.  The sign is a wooden cutout of a man's hat.

Curious, Yankel enters the store and says, "Mendel, for what do you display over your storefront a hat?  You are a mohel, not a hatter!"

Replies Mendel: "Nu, then what should I display?"

Man bites dog, dog bites pizza

Is that the cat's name, or the owner's?

And of the three phone-number tags that have been ripped out, how many are from people who found a cat, and how many from people who just want to know Who is Leo Thayer?

88% relative to what?

I guess, relative to a unit that flushes 1.994 gallons.

Love birds meet with a tragic end

Who/what was still working -- the cop, the gun, the prostitute?  I like the third option; she took his service revolver while she was still servicing him.